To My Dearest Children,
I will tell you this again today, even though I told you yesterday. " No, I do not need an audience in the bathroom. And yes, all four of you fit in here, but not comfortably. And no, you can not sit on my lap........ I'm going PEE!"
And then I announce that I am going to take a bath. (I haven;t had one in 3 days) I tell the oldest he is in charge. I tell the others I need 5 minutes uninterrupted.
Exactly 45 seconds later the littlest one is standing next to the tub taking his clothes off. "Can I get in too?" And before I can respond, PLUNK - he is in the tub. Hearing the splash, in walks my son. "Mommy look at the picture I drew." I tell him it's really nice, and to go draw another one. But he is already undressing and PLUNK - in the tub.
I try to wash my hair real fast, when in walks my daughter. "Can you help me get this dress off my dolly?" She looks at her brothers.... "Hey can we get in?" "No I tell her," but she and her doll are already dipping their toes in the water. My oldest son knocks on the door. "Are the kids in there?" That's it! I'm out. The children all stop their splashing, "Hey Mom, where are you going?"
After I get all three kids and one doll, out of the tub, dried off and redressed, I pull out the playdough. This usually buys me a little time. I sneak off to the kitchen. Perhaps I can have 5 minutes uninterrupted. I go to my secret chocolate hiding spot and retrieve my hidden stash of chocolate. I just get the wrapper off and I am about to take that glorious first bite, when like a herd of gazelles, my four children appear. It's like they can HEAR it, or SMELL it! Some secret, high pitched, only children can hear, fire alarm went off in the house and everyone comes running. "Oh yum chocolate. Can I have a bite?"
SIXTEEN YEARS LATER:
Evidently those living in my house, still think I need an audience to use the bathroom. My children have been replaced by two very hairy dogs. As soon as I disappear into the bathroom, the dogs are searching for me. One of them finds me, "Hey look, she's in here," and the other one comes running. They take this opportunity to stare at me and wag their tails. They both jockey for the best position to be petted. "No, I do not need your help, and no, you can not jump into my lap!" "I'm going PEE!"
I announce to my teenagers, "I need 5 minutes uninterrupted to soak in the tub." My thousand times up and down the ladder muscles are rebelling and I am covered in paint. I am just about to lay my head back into the water, when there is a knock on the door. "Hey mom, can I borrow the car?" "Yes " I reply. 30 seconds later there is another knock on the door. "We need our permission slip signed for laser tag." I wrap the curtain around the tub and tell her to come in. With wet hands I sign it.
I slink back into the tub and close my eyes. Just as I come up for air, thee is a knock on the door. "Mom, our ride is here, we need money." That's it! I'm out. I wrap a towel around myself, grab money from my purse and send them out the door. I head toward the kitchen to my secret chocolate hiding spot. As I open the box, I see that it is EMPTY! My oldest daughter emerges from her room. Seeing my expression on my face, she casually says, "Mom, we all know your secret hiding spot. You've been using it for years."
I think I need a new hiding spot. Perhaps in the dishwasher, no one ever goes near that thing.